Wednesday, January 26, 2005

waiter there's a fly in my ointment.


of course the one small fly in the ointment I was trying not to worry about was the fact that a certain guy I know might be there tonight - not for the beginner paddling class but for the rolling session that follows. I may have to figure out how to leave right after the class 'cause I really really hate crying in front of people & I'm afraid I might when I see him.

Basically, this guy...well, I liked him a lot. That's all. First time I've been really intrigued by anyone in about...well, actually, in years. Sigh. Thing is, I'm a pretty self-sufficient person and I don't go for people that often but when I do it's pretty wholeheartedly & in this case it was just a long slow fizzle of a nothing (operative word being "nothing" as in "nothing happened") with a massive shock at the end. Halloween, 2004 - halfway through a circumnavigation of Manhattan I specifically scheduled & made happen for this guy...he tells me about this girlfriend that he's had pretty much the whole time I'd really known him (a year). In answer to a direct question about how he'd gotten invited to some fancy-schmancy shinding at the Waldorf in fact. Otherwise I don't think the info would've been volunteered and I might still be mooning around waiting for him to get over his traumatic divorce. I'm such an idiot. Personally I think March 2004 when I first told him I wanted to be a little more than paddling buddies would have been MUCH better timing too tell me about the girlfriend but hell, that's just me. But...then again, NOTHING had happened. I've come out of all of this thinking that he's definitely a complete space cadet but not convinced that he's a complete cad. Long story, 2 sides to it, lots of details you aren't getting here.

Anyways I DID actually tell my original blogging friend BoBo about this last night & since he might be reading today I figured I'd squeeze a quick post in here.

As far as I'm concerned this was just one of those unfunny jokes life plays on me every now & then (and there've been some doozies - always hear my mother's voice afterwards saying "It's a character-building experience" - well, how much character does one person need? A lot, apparently...). I'm dealing with it but it still hurts some - I really liked him a lot & it was a huge dissappointment to find out that there was an SO all along (which if I'd known I wouldn't have let myself go where I went in the first place, I don't mess with people who are already attached - between empathy for the 3rd person involved - and the concern that if a guy would hurt a SO for me, why would I expect him not do the same thing to me for the next one that comes along?). I was trying to not think about the fact that he might turn up & it'll be the first time I've seen him since Halloween. I literally don't know what I'll do. Did dream about him last night & it was a really sad one - basically about being said no to yet again - woke up much more worried about seeing him tonight than I was before.

oh well. that's life for ya.

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