Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Not Zen Enough.

OK, so now that everybody's probably going "ok, what's up with her..." - I'm not even going to look at comments, just going to write.

And maybe it won't be all that bad. Just going to wax a little more philosophical-like than I'm normally wont to do (or comfortable with) - so I had to make fun of myself in advance.

This is basically about how things just happen, and you can't tell exactly how or why, and then sometimes they just end - and again, you don't know exactly why.

Remember these guys, from the other day?

I really think that was one of the most breathtaking things I've ever seen on the internet.

I'd shy away from going mystical about it. They are dolphins in a tank. They are apparently amusing themselves. Do they appreciate the beauty of their sparkling silver toys?

How would I know? They're dolphins, not people. I don't need them to hold the same set of aesthetic values as I do.

But the fact is, I just find those rings to be the most amazing things. A swirling conjuction of water and air, and ahhh! there one is. And then the cohesion breaks up, and pffft! they've changed - or maybe just gone.

I found myself thinking about those bubble rings not long ago, as I was having what felt like a possible bridge-burner of a discussion with some old acquaintances, people who used to be part of a circle with which I spent a great deal of time.

How does a circle of friends form? Hard to put your finger on it, isn't it, but you know when it's there. A conjunction of like or complementary minds, like interests, the right atmosphere, the right location and ahhhh! there it is, spinning & sparkling. A wonderful thing.

But things change - people leave, new people come in. Circumstances change, stresses develop - and then you realize it's gone, or a smaller circle's gone spinning off in it's own direction & you've gone in another -

That had already happened with this group, well before the last exchange. I'm still friends with some - but from where I am, the cohesion is gone, it's run it's course & for me, it's past.

Sad, but only somewhat - in the meantime, I've moved on, found myself in new circles. It really isn't that bad.

Lots of things in life are that way besides circles of friends. Sometimes seems to me that these Buddhist types really have got this impermanence/transience thing right - things begin and things end, without our really having all that much control over them, and fighting that fact really just makes life worse - best to be able to not hold tight to something.

I'm not quite zen enough to do that, at least not all the time. I'd be a total jerk to complain about my life, it's a very very good one. Still, there have been some letdowns where I was enjoying the spinning of some particularly bright bubble ring, and then it was just gone before I was ready. Some weren't so bad to get over. Some, I'm still kind of going "Whaaaaa? Where did -? Wasn't it just -??? No, I don't want it to be gone, I want it to come back!"

The newest one, and the one that brought all this bubble-ring musing back on, is that my parents are suddenly leaving Hawaii. Soon.

I think anyone who read my Where I'm From piece won't be surprised to hear I'm pretty blue about that.

The reasons are sensible enough, I guess, and this is something that was always sort of planned to happen eventually -

It's just happening so fast that my head's just spinning.

It's not so much that things end. I know that. Mostly I can deal with that.

It's when they end long before you ever expected that it's tough.

There's stuff that never quite healed right when we left there in my junior year in high school. I consider myself luck, as navy brats go, to actually get to be somewhere long enough to actually put down roots - but the junior-year transplant didn't go too well. I guess when my folks moved back, it was easy to call the place "home" again, feel like some of those roots were back in the right place, even though I wasn't living there. Now, if I wanted to call it home - I'd have to get up the guts to just GO there.

Never quite gave up on this silly little fantasy I might do that someday. Although living there as an adult would be a harder experience than being a kid there. I knew that, think part of why I never went was because I was afraid that I'd fail, and once I'd failed, end of dream, and...I like that dream. I don't want it to end.

And how completely irrational is that?

Maybe that's why I admire these people who have crazy dreams & go out & try to make them actually HAPPEN so much. Because they always face that risk of failure - but they don't let it freeze them in their safe & secure tracks.

Oh well. OK. 'Nuff bubble-gazing for one night I guess.

Anybody looking for a beautiful home in the Ko'olau mountain in Hawaii? I can hook you up. Won't even charge a broker's fee - just request the right for me & a guest (TQ) to come stay in the guest room, swim in the pool, play with the dog, admire the view, raid the fridge and oh yeah, drive the car - a week or two, every other year or so...

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